This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 44; the forty-fourth edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.
I got up from the doctor's clinic slightly dazed. The information confirmed by her was difficult to digest. The past week I was hoping against hopes that what my earlier doctor had diagnosed was wrong. But this second opinion just shattered my fragile hope. We were trying to have a baby for a year now, it was one thing at this juncture of my life I looked forward to, but the doctor's confirmation came as a rude shock. She said I could never have a baby of my own. Seeing me break down in front of her, she suggested there are other ways through which parenthood can be enjoyed. I didn't react to her words, but the pain which I felt inside my heart was unbearable. I put the report in my bag and walked half consciously to my car and I drove home. I didn't know how she would take the news, this would break her. The whole way to my house I was thinking of ways in which this news could be told to her so that she would not feel broken. I knew her well enough for the past 5 years to know she would not let her grief show and would be a positive force in my life as she always was till now. She would know this news has impacted me far more and would take care of me. I was thinking artificial insemination would be the best option as I would not want to rob her of having her blood in the kid and I would love the kid as much as I love her mother. I was comforting myself all along the way.
As I entered, my wife greeted me with a gleaming smile. I felt the smile was a bit awkward, but seeing her happy somewhat lightened the burden I felt. She brought me a customary glass of water, sat near me and announced out of the blue that she was pregnant. I entered a state of shock, I didn't know how to react. I think several seconds had passed with me in that state, she touched my shoulder and asked what happened. My eyes were filled with tears, she moved closer to embrace me and I hugged her while I couldn't stop the flow of tears. I tried to act happy, but the sinking feeling was too strong. I had lost my appetite. I made an excuse of stomach upset, skipped dinner and straight away hit the bed. In the evening, I had felt the day could not have been worse, but fate intended to prove me wrong. I felt like crying loudly, but I muffled my cry biting the pillow. Outside, I could hear she was on the phone, but I didn't feel like getting up from the bed even to eavesdrop. I got a feeling from the inside of my being that the worst time of my life is about to start.
This was the darkest night ever in my life. I knew I had lost my sleep, but I feared leaving the bed. The thoughts in my head were so many and they changed so rapidly that I was in fear of losing my mind. At one point, I somewhat made up my mind to just go and confront her, then I thought what if the doctors were wrong, both of them. Then again I would realize how irrational that was. An hour passed and she came to bed, I didn't move and pretended to be asleep. There were too many thoughts passing through my head. I started to wonder and guess who the person could be. I started imagining her with her friends, her colleagues, my friends. It was driving me nuts. I thought I should break up with her immediately and spare myself from the torture. But I very well knew, the torture would not end just by ending the relationship. Then I had an even scarier thought, she breaking with me. I didn't know how I would react to that. What if the real father was married and in the same position as her, then there would be no break up, it would be best for all the parties involved to maintain the status quo. If only I hadn't gone to the doctor's, then maybe I would have been truly happy this night rather than burning in this misery. I would be looking forward to be a father than knowing my wife is a cheater. The ignorant truly are the ones that can be happier.
Another hour passed with me and my nightmarish thoughts, I was suffocating. I felt an immediate urge to get out and get some fresh air. I got my cellphone and the keys and headed straight out the door. I couldn't stay still and started walking fast aimlessly. The images which formed in my head were unbearable. I went into a shop and brought a cigarette pack and lit one there. My hands were shaking and I felt the cigarette would help me get some control over it. I had never smoked after my college, but I felt the cigarette helped. It calmed me down and I could manage myself a little. I went into a park and sat on the bench. I imagined the worst images graphically, I imagined my wife and the other person laughing hard on how they made a fool out of me. I imagined my wife having sex with another man and it broke me. I had a feeling of vengeance in my heart. I wanted to hurt her as she was hurting me. I remembered my ex-girlfriend who had professed that she still loved me, though I was married. I had always maintained a distance from her, but at this moment I just wanted to go to her and be with her. I went through my contact list and called her. She picked up the call after couple of rings. She was not in town, she felt happy to have received my call, she mentioned that she will be out of town for another six months and she looked forward to meet me. When I returned home, it was breaking dawn, I had smoked the whole pack of cigarette and must have been smelling like ash. I went for shower as I entered and took a long shower. I left home before she woke up. I was the first one at office, though I doubt if I can get anything done today.
The days are passing by and things almost seems so normal except for that it isn't. Each passing day is difficult and the nights are laborious. Though nowadays I mostly have spite towards my wife, sometimes I cant suppress the love I feel for her. There is this weird urge in me that wants to take care of her in-spite of all the things that has transpired. I am not my previous self and I am sure she must have noticed that, but she is extra loving and caring towards me nowadays as if she is guilt ridden. By how it seems to me, I think the affair has also come to an end. Thankfully she has not come clean on this asking me forgiveness, I would have hated her more for passing on the guilt by trying to come out clean. In the past few days there have been many times I wanted to confront, but when I thought through it, felt that the outcome of confrontation will not bring me any peace or comfort, hence left it at that. Love like any other emotion, be it happiness, jealousy, anger or envy is neither permanent, nor can be forced. It comes and leaves as per its wishes, just like a speck of dust in the air carried by the wind and settling temporarily anywhere. Also felt that I could be a father, if I stayed. The days passing, though difficult are reducing my heartache. The other night we had sex, at least started having sex the first time after she broke the news. Lust had taken over and we were in the middle of it when suddenly the graphic images of she with someone else made me sweat and go soft. What surprised me was that she reacted as if she understood my pain perfectly well and she hugged me and slept hugging me. I loved the way she hugged me. In fact I loved a lot many things of my wife. But it immensely hurts to know what I know.
Six months had passed by and my ex girlfriend called me as she was back in town. She asked me to meet, but I made an excuse and got out of it. Somehow the vengeance I wanted to take on my wife by cheating on her was fleeting. Somehow the feeling that I was made a joke and am laughed around by my wife was going away. I didn't feel cheating would help my mental state in any way now. I had made a decision to stick by my wife and my to be born kid. The past six months, though the worst of my life, it would be a lie if I told, I didn't feel any love towards my wife or if I didn't feel the love back. Now I know its not permanent and it is fragile, but if I get out of this, there is no guarantee that I would find a perfect one, so I plan to find some love and happiness in the one I am in. It feels as though if you are stronger mentally, then your chance of finding happiness is a bit more in any kind of shitty situation you might be in.
Two years pass by and we three are in the same park, my daughter in my arms and my wife close by. There is an engine backfire and my daughter grabs me in a tight embrace, I love the way she wraps around me. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but today my daughter does love me more than anything in her world. Anybody seeing us from outside would feel we are the happiest family around and they are not wrong in their assessment. I can agree wholeheartedly and completely with them that, Today I might be one of the happiest and luckiest man to have such a wonderful wife and a lovely daughter. At-least for today, Love is in the air all around me.
The fellow Blog-a-Tonics who took part in this Blog-a-Ton and links to their respective posts can be checked here. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton. Participation Count: 02Credits Image - Love in the air by Anand Courtesy - Apple Blossom's Photography via www.blogaton.in
