Love in the air

This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 44; the forty-fourth edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.

I got up from the doctor's clinic slightly dazed. The information confirmed by her was difficult to digest. The past week I was hoping against hopes that what my earlier doctor had diagnosed was wrong. But this second opinion just shattered my fragile hope. We were trying to have a baby for a year now, it was one thing at this juncture of my life I looked forward to, but the doctor's confirmation came as a rude shock. She said I could never have a baby of my own. Seeing me break down in front of her, she suggested there are other ways through which parenthood can be enjoyed. I didn't react to her words, but the pain which I felt inside my heart was unbearable. I put the report in my bag and walked half consciously to my car and I drove home. I didn't know how she would take the news, this would break her. The whole way to my house I was thinking of ways in which this news could be told to her so that she would not feel broken. I knew her well enough for the past 5 years to know she would not let her grief show and would be a positive force in my life as she always was till now. She would know this news has impacted me far more and would take care of me. I was thinking artificial insemination would be the best option as I would not want to rob her of having her blood in the kid and I would love the kid as much as I love her mother. I was comforting myself all along the way.

As I entered, my wife greeted me with a gleaming smile. I felt the smile was a bit awkward, but seeing her happy somewhat lightened the burden I felt. She brought me a customary glass of water, sat near me and announced out of the blue that she was pregnant. I entered a state of shock, I didn't know how to react. I think several seconds had passed with me in that state, she touched my shoulder and asked what happened. My eyes were filled with tears, she moved closer to embrace me and I hugged her while I couldn't stop the flow of tears. I tried to act happy, but the sinking feeling was too strong. I had lost my appetite. I made an excuse of stomach upset, skipped dinner and straight away hit the bed. In the evening, I had felt the day could not have been worse, but fate intended to prove me wrong. I felt like crying loudly, but I muffled my cry biting the pillow. Outside, I could hear she was on the phone, but I didn't feel like getting up from the bed even to eavesdrop. I got a feeling from the inside of my being that the worst time of my life is about to start.

This was the darkest night ever in my life. I knew I had lost my sleep, but I feared leaving the bed. The thoughts in my head were so many and they changed so rapidly that I was in fear of losing my mind. At one point, I somewhat made up my mind to just go and confront her, then I thought what if the doctors were wrong, both of them. Then again I would realize how irrational that was. An hour passed and she came to bed, I didn't move and pretended to be asleep. There were too many thoughts passing through my head. I started to wonder and guess who the person could be. I started imagining her with her friends, her colleagues, my friends. It was driving me nuts. I thought I should break up with her immediately and spare myself from the torture. But I very well knew, the torture would not end just by ending the relationship. Then I had an even scarier thought, she breaking with me. I didn't know how I would react to that. What if the real father was married and in the same position as her, then there would be no break up, it would be best for all the parties involved to maintain the status quo. If only I hadn't gone to the doctor's, then maybe I would have been truly happy this night rather than burning in this misery. I would be looking forward to be a father than knowing my wife is a cheater. The ignorant truly are the ones that can be happier.

Another hour passed with me and my nightmarish thoughts, I was suffocating. I felt an immediate urge to get out and get some fresh air. I got my cellphone and the keys and headed straight out the door. I couldn't stay still and started walking fast aimlessly. The images which formed in my head were unbearable. I went into a shop and brought a cigarette pack and lit one there. My hands were shaking and I felt the cigarette would help me get some control over it. I had never smoked after my college, but I felt the cigarette helped. It calmed me down and I could manage myself a little. I went into a park and sat on the bench. I imagined the worst images graphically, I imagined my wife and the other person laughing hard on how they made a fool out of me. I imagined my wife having sex with another man and it broke me. I had a feeling of vengeance in my heart. I wanted to hurt her as she was hurting me. I remembered my ex-girlfriend who had professed that she still loved me, though I was married. I had always maintained a distance from her, but at this moment I just wanted to go to her and be with her. I went through my contact list and called her. She picked up the call after couple of rings. She was not in town, she felt happy to have received my call, she mentioned that she will be out of town for another six months and she looked forward to meet me. When I returned home, it was breaking dawn, I had smoked the whole pack of cigarette and must have been smelling like ash. I went for shower as I entered and took a long shower. I left home before she woke up. I was the first one at office, though I doubt if I can get anything done today.

The days are passing by and things almost seems so normal except for that it isn't. Each passing day is difficult and the nights are laborious. Though nowadays I mostly have spite towards my wife, sometimes I cant suppress the love I feel for her. There is this weird urge in me that wants to take care of her in-spite of all the things that has transpired. I am not my previous self and I am sure she must have noticed that, but she is extra loving and caring towards me nowadays as if she is guilt ridden. By how it seems to me, I think the affair has also come to an end. Thankfully she has not come clean on this asking me forgiveness, I would have hated her more for passing on the guilt by trying to come out clean. In the past few days there have been many times I wanted to confront, but when I thought through it, felt that the outcome of confrontation will not bring me any peace or comfort, hence left it at that. Love like any other emotion, be it happiness, jealousy, anger or envy is neither permanent, nor can be forced. It comes and leaves as per its wishes, just like a speck of dust in the air carried by the wind and settling temporarily anywhere. Also felt that I could be a father, if I stayed. The days passing, though difficult are reducing my heartache. The other night we had sex, at least started having sex the first time after she broke the news. Lust had taken over and we were in the middle of it when suddenly the graphic images of she with someone else made me sweat and go soft. What surprised me was that she reacted as if she understood my pain perfectly well and she hugged me and slept hugging me. I loved the way she hugged me. In fact I loved a lot many things of my wife. But it immensely hurts to know what I know.

Six months had passed by and my ex girlfriend called me as she was back in town. She asked me to meet, but I made an excuse and got out of it. Somehow the vengeance I wanted to take on my wife by cheating on her was fleeting. Somehow the feeling that I was made a joke and am laughed around by my wife was going away. I didn't feel cheating would help my mental state in any way now. I had made a decision to stick by my wife and my to be born kid. The past six months, though the worst of my life, it would be a lie if I told, I didn't feel any love towards my wife or if I didn't feel the love back. Now I know its not permanent and it is fragile, but if I get out of this, there is no guarantee that I would find a perfect one, so I plan to find some love and happiness in the one I am in. It feels as though if you are stronger mentally, then your chance of finding happiness is a bit more in any kind of shitty situation you might be in.

Two years pass by and we three are in the same park, my daughter in my arms and my wife close by. There is an engine backfire and my daughter grabs me in a tight embrace, I love the way she wraps around me. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but today my daughter does love me more than anything in her world. Anybody seeing us from outside would feel we are the happiest family around and they are not wrong in their assessment. I can agree wholeheartedly and completely with them that, Today I might be one of the happiest and luckiest man to have such a wonderful wife and a lovely daughter. At-least for today, Love is in the air all around me.

The fellow Blog-a-Tonics who took part in this Blog-a-Ton and links to their respective posts can be checked here. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton. Participation Count: 02

 Credits Image - Love in the air by Anand Courtesy - Apple Blossom's Photography via www.blogaton.in

That Last Night

This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 26; the 26th Edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton. The topic for this month is 'That Last Night'.

Does it happen with everyone sometimes, that you know you have to do something but your mind just doesn’t allow your body to do that? I know my work here is done; I should just get off this bridge and wait. But I am unable even to get up. No, I am not physically hurt. I am perfectly fine, but instead of getting off the bridge, I am narrating this stuff. I have been having nightmares from past few months. I am not even sure of the reason for this. Everything is going good in my life. By the lords grace I have been doing the righteous things all throughout my life. I have always been sure of my destiny and my beliefs. That is the reason for what I am today, that is the reason for the love I am getting from my people. That is the reason for my existence. This wretched sense of doom, I am not sure why my lord is making me go through this, but who has the power to understand his will completely. I have lived by the book and have been as virtuous and as righteous as any human can possibly be. I have become so revered by the people, for my courage and efforts to protect the righteous from the hideous that I have children all over the world named after me.  It is not that I am attached to any kind of fame.  It is my duty to protect the weak and fight against the corrupt evil forces.  I have been fairly successful in my efforts and am loved so much because of it, but I am not attached to any of this. For the past eight years I have never worried even of death because death would just send me to heaven, the abode of the lord.

When I was young, I loved the warmth of the morning sun. The rays fell softly inside my room. Whenever I was on bed and the bright sunlight woke me, I knew I was moments away from my mom pushing me out of bed to get ready for school. I never thought about it then, but it was one of the most pleasurable things in the world, my mom waking me up for school. Though I didn’t much like school, I liked my mom cajoling and waking me up. 

The river beneath the bridge is gleaming and shining under the beautiful full moon. It is wide, deep and doesn’t seem to end on both sides of the bridge. I don’t much like being alone with nature, I feel unsure and maybe scared. I would have loved to talk to my mom and get reassurances from her, but she is no more with me to comfort my uneasiness. Though I would say she has shown me the direction out of which I have paved my way of life and could reach the juncture on which I am now. I would not have reached these heights and gained so much of acclaim in the community if she hadn’t instilled the right belief structure in me.

I remember sitting on the beach with my uncle one day and being overwhelmed by nature. My uncle used to say, if the whole universe was as big as the beach, then relatively we are as insignificant and equal to a speck of sand. No, actually he had said earth was a speck of sand in the beach and he had asked me to think of how small and insignificant humans are in the nature’s plan of things. I didn’t show any emotion in front of him, but on hearing it I think I got scared. I was very young then. I couldn’t sleep properly that night. I am not sure why but I hated what he told, it made me very much unsure of things.

Later I went to my mom’s room and wriggled in beside her. She had not slept yet. I was scared and I asked her about us being so insignificant in nature. Then I had the best conversation of my life. She told how wrong my uncle was and how he is going to hell for spreading all these lies. She told me how the earth was made and how we were center of the universe, of how we had pre-determined destiny and how we would go to hell and heaven, about what these heaven and hell are, what they do to people in hell and about the path to heaven by living righteously as per the book. From what all I heard that day, I knew I had control on things, I was in control and there was a plan for each and every human. I was not as insignificant as my uncle told. I knew how to live; I also knew how I will be judged. I was reassured in the meaning of life. I slept well. I should say it gave me beliefs and made me stronger. It just removed the weight of uncertainty off my shoulders. Now I was certain, I was certain of reaching heaven. When the path is shown so clearly, achieving it just becomes a question of character and perseverance of the individual.

That conversation feels like a long back now. I have lived a virtuous and pious life. Still this incident which took place few months back, though I know I did the right thing and I don’t have an iota of remorse for what I did, It is giving me a horrible feeling of doom.

I remember as if it was yesterday, I was visiting this place on one of my work related trips. I was staying in a popular tourist hotel. In the evening while taking a stroll, I came across a stand-up act in the banquet hall of the same hotel. I went in hoping for few good laughs. But that wretched soul was just talking corrupt things polluting the minds of the people sitting in the hall for some cheap laughs. I saw them laughing at his jokes whether they agreed or not, they just didn’t want to be left out is what I think. I was about to leave with a bad feeling in my heart for what the world was turning into, that is the time he started to talk about my beliefs.

That evil wretched animal didn’t have anything sacred in his life. He made fun of everything that I believed to be sacred, around which my life, death and each of my breath revolved. The profane creature compared the grossest of the things to the pure and sacred holy things which I and all my people believed in. I was outraged, I could not contain myself. After his show, I followed him to his room. I slid into his room before the door closed behind him. He was surprised to see me inside and was about to ask me something, but I couldn’t contain the building rage in me and hit him hard on his face. He rolled onto the ground. Before he could collect himself again, I hit him hard again and shoved the half conscious piece of shit onto the armchair. I was going berserk with anger and was muttering how wretched and horrible his soul has become, how if he could not spread virtue or righteousness among the people, he had no right to pollute them and how he had no right to live. 

In my rage, I must have been muttering loudly on how the beliefs and faith has built people, gave them reason to live and performed miracles, of how sacred it is and how it needs to be protected against profane creatures like him. How could he dare insult the sanctity and sacredness of my faith. My rage hadn’t had subdued and the bleeding shit hearing my angry words turned his lips into a smirk and asked me, “You think your beliefs and your faith is true, you possibly can’t know it for sure and the world has so many people with so many different beliefs. All of it can’t be true. If yours is true you are lucky, if theirs is true, you are fucked my friend, you are badly fucked and that too for an eternity”. He didn’t know when to shut up, he must have been thinking he still is on the stage and was being funny. I couldn’t take more of his shit. The rage just took over me and I slit his throat with the knife lying on the table and I did that in a flash. I couldn’t stay there for long. I had to abort my work plans; I called my contacts and got out of that country and back. 

This incident has remained with me throughout. It is not that I am remorseful. I am pretty sure I am not. I don’t think his last words also have much effect, but there is a sensation of doom which has slowly sunk in to me and I am not motivated for our cause anymore. I am not able to be as motivated as before. My work in the past eight years was so glorious that I was too precious for my leaders and I have been the chief planner for our various achievements.  I have been off the field for two years now. I was too important to be risked in an on field job. But today I wanted to be here and I am here against my leaders will. I have done everything as per the plan. I have planted enough explosives to take down the bridge. I have wired it perfectly. I just have to wait for the train to come close enough so that there is no way the driver can stop the train before the fall. Now I just have to get off the bridge and wait for the train. I can detonate the bombs using the wireless remote as far as a kilometer. But it looks like I don’t have control over my body anymore. I am sitting motionless on the track and I am unable to move out to safety. I can hear the noise of the approaching train. I have just given up trying to move. Now I think I will wait for the train right here and blow up the bridge when the train is near enough. The approaching train is close enough now. It has entered the point of no return zone. I have to just press this button. The time has come. May the powerful almighty take me in his abode.

Next day in Newspapers: Terrorist’s plan to blow the bridge foiled. The dead terrorist remains unidentified. Explosives laden around the tracks have been taken into custody by the police. The investigation is ongoing and the police are unsure why the bombs didn’t explode. The police suspect that the plan failed as the train hit the terrorist before he could press the button on the remote.

The fellow Blog-a-Tonics who took part in this Blog-a-Ton and links to their respective posts can be checked here. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.

Fear !!!

Every single person's life is what it is because of fear. Fear shapes our life to what it is today. It moulds our lives. It fogs our minds with so many issues that we give importance to our current actions of fortifying ourselves from being engulfed by the fear. Fear of poverty makes us earn. Fear of powerlessness makes us involved in the society. Fear of loneliness gives us the need of a flock of people agreeable around us. Fear of failing health makes us eat healthy, exercise. Fear of anonimity makes us to do something to put our name against. Fear of societal shame make us keep/have secrets. Fear of being left alone make us to belong to a certain group, supporting the group. Fear of losing love, makes us to change ourselves to suit the best for being loved. Fear, Is this the driving force of our society, our culture. Is this the most essential entity for us to live. What would be life without fear ? Scary, to even imagine. Fear of being ridiculed, make us stop imagining and start living the traditional/cultural usual way.

55-Fiction : Changing goals

Being pushed down, passed around, kicked hard isn’t bad until there is some goal. There will be obstacles taking us away from the goal to yet another different goal, making us lose vision of the previous goal. Still I am confused, if I should feel happy reaching any of the goals, being a football myself.

(Looks like the 55-fiction bug has bit me bad. Will start with my regular rants soon :) :D)

My First 55-Fiction : On a Move

My first attempt at 55 Fiction. Do leave back your thoughts as comments.

On a Move

The world seems to be moving. I don’t like it. I always like to move forward. But here, I feel everything is moving backwards. I need to do something; I could not let this continue. Then I swap seats with my mom sitting in-front, in the cabin of the moving train. Hmmm... This is relaxing.

Pointless

Life as we know is so pointless. We never know what the purpose of living it is, there is no possibility of finding it too. We never know what we want out of living it. We never know where we will end up. But we always have a perspective of living it and we believe in it. Some believe life is going and getting all the things, the world can possibly provide for us, and that is what could be called as success. Others feel life is more fulfilling when lived for others, making others happy, enjoying in their smiles. Honestly speaking I too have spent an incredible amount of time thinking about this mystery called life. I always reach to a different conclusion each time and each of the conclusions I arrive on is totally fulfilling. I could conclude in totally opposite ways on two different days and be totally convinced with my conclusions on the respective days. So I could just say that life is an entity which gives you so many possibilities that you can be striving to live a totally fulfilled life in a certain way but the other person with a different perspective could conclude you as a complete loser for even choosing that way. Life could be lived in so many dimensions and a lifetime is not enough to live your life completely in that dimension. It is the same as you can spend a life time studying the smallest of the smallest things like an atom or history of a place or a certain kind of animal, you can spend a lifetime studying about your respective subject, but you still can always find possibilities for learning more, unearthing more. So I can say life too provides us with so many possibilities that a lifetime is not enough to enjoy and live the possibility we have chosen. Then again we have confusion whether we just have to savor a single possibility so much when we know how much ever we live it, it still seems incomplete or could we just try out all the different possibilities and savor each one of them a little. Answering this also seems to be impossibly difficult as there is not a perfectly correct or wrong thing in life and if there is one it also should be defined humanely. And you never can be for sure that what they say as the ultimate truth. Actually if we think more into this we can also say there is nothing as absolute here. Everything is so relative and so unsure.

Beliefs

I had some thoughts on philosophy these days. I should say this is not the first time such thoughts are going through my mind, but why am I pouring out the thoughts here now? That is because this time I somehow feel, my thoughts does make some sense. You guys are totally free to disagree.

So firstly, why did these thoughts pass through my head? Quite recently I heard from my mom about an incident. I should tell you this kind of an incident is not very unique and I am sure each one of us might have come across such incidents which might be totally co-incidental. But still we would never want to believe it as co-incidental and would give some special meaning to it and rightly so, because we never know it might have some special meaning attached to it. So the incident which took place here is: one of my relatives, he is a staunchest of believers in God and has been doing loads of poojas for years, on one particular morning recently when he was going on with his shlokas and poojas, there is one shloka regarding Lord Narayana it seems and after he finished the chanting as he turned around or something he saw a garuda (the vehicle of the lord) sitting on the compound wall of his house (He stays in Bangalore, so I should say this is not an everyday scene or maybe any day scene in bangalore). He was very much overwhelmed and had this unexplainable happiness in him because this had lots of hidden meanings to him which I and you might find irrelevant. I should say this must have been a special incident for him and he might have got so many messages through this highly improbable occurrence (of the lord’s vehicle perching on his compound when he was just praying to the Lord).

At this point I should say I am a confused soul regarding these kinds of questions, which according to the current philosophers makes me an agnostic. But the above incident made me think. It kind of gave me a solution. Again as I am an agnostic, I still am skeptical of even this solution, which is I am not a complete believer of this theory. But I somehow liked this thought.

This universe may be a place where in if you really believe (or not believe) in something then the world conspires to make you believe in your assumptions. It doesn’t matter if you believe in God, religion, or science, or if you don’t believe in God, you will always get many pretty good reasons to believe in your beliefs (or non beliefs). It is something like; maybe our mind has some connection with the outside world and the beliefs in our mind do have some thing to do with the way things actually work. We start to observe things based on our beliefs and we find many interconnections, many meanings and truth in each of our beliefs. This maybe the reason for so many varying different beliefs, school of thoughts to co-exist and so many fanatics to believe their beliefs as the only existing truth unable to look beyond their point of view.

In science also there have been so many assumptions made to give us amazing solutions based on little facts, like if something holds for a verifiable thing we can use the same formula for something non verifiable, we put the data in the formula and determine things.

So based on the small fact which I mentioned before, (that is my relative seeing the garuda after the pooja), I can assume many of the beliefs in the history also could very well be true like the idol of Shri Krishna turning after being pleased by Kanakadasa’s worship. I don’t know but sometimes, in some way, things happen that enforces our beliefs. It’s like the world outside becomes what we truly, firmly believe from inside. It just enforces our beliefs, though no two beliefs might be the same. That is different varying beliefs can totally co-exist and there is a chance that though the beliefs are variant or opposing to each other may very well be true. Maybe this universe has that kind of power or magic. Just maybe.